


Scars of Magic

by Ending_To_Begin



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Light Angst, Romance, Secrets, Sided with Mages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 07:56:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16342853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ending_To_Begin/pseuds/Ending_To_Begin
Summary: Joran Lavellan is the Inquisitor and knows this very keenly. Still he tries for some time to himself now and then... But old scars do come to light and make that a difficult thing to achieve.





	Scars of Magic

**Author's Note:**

> Tagging on Moblie is proving tricky, but as an addition:  
> There is a tiiiiny blurb of non-con here, but it is very very small and wears off fast.
> 
> This also can be read as either Joran is a Trans Male character or had been born disfigured in some way. Up to the reader to decide what you believe fits :3 enjoy!!

 

 

 

Joran’s favorite time was just around sunset. Things were always winding down in skyhold. Everyone was focused on getting every last bit they needed to done, too focused to notice the inquisitor quietly treading through the halls. Many days he brought along a book or something small for his final destination- small enough he could hide it should someone have need of him. It wasn’t that he thought he didn’t deserve quiet time, but that he liked to keep his hobbies under wraps, to always appear ready for whatever came- as he should as a leader, as the legends told. Life was messier than that, and he knew it, but for those that saw him as the chosen of Andraste, there was no compromise. So it was always a sigh of relief when he was able to reach a quiet place to read or be by himself- most of his advisors not knowing where he was. He did not always keep to the same place and his balcony was too predictable. His room was his office and not sufficient for relaxation anyway.

No one had need of him this evening and his walk was undisturbed. He was grateful and finally came to a stop near one of the still dismantled/crumbling towers where no guards were posted or needed.

Joran quietly set himself up an old chair and made a table out of an old barrel to rest his feet on. His elbow would rest on the wall of the castle- the particular chair he found high enough to give him the luxury. He was looking forward to being able to kick back until the moon rose to its fullest.

“Inquisitor.”

It was not a question. It was phrased almost like an order and Joran twitched.

He sighed quietly, shaking his head.

“Yes, Cassandra? What is it?”

His own words were wary, but not unkind. He could never bear to be unkind to those who staked as much as he did in this war.

“You have a moment, yes?’

Joran nodded. “Many. How may I-?”

“Our scholars found something.. Interesting. I was hoping to discuss it with you.”

Something about her wording made it sound personal and Joran balked slightly. He had a feeling he knew what it was.

“What is it, Cassandra? You don’t have to hesitate. Just tell me. You have my word of honesty with whatever it is.”

The woman shifted, clearly uncomfortable. She did not often enjoy starting conversations. Joran knew her well enough to know whatever was found was something she would have rather left buried had she found it herself- much like her own past- but being that scholars had stumbled upon it, it warranted action. Cassandra was never one to say she would do something and then not do it either. Her seeker training prevented it, much to her chagrin sometimes.

“The scholars.. They found… Someone in texts whom they believe.. To be. You.”

Joran laughed quietly to himself. It was humorless, almost bitter.

Cassandra seemed taken aback.

“And how did they come upon this information?”

“There was… when we.. Leliana has been collecting records, and..”

“They found it in the libraries of a circle, did they not?”

Joran had his back to Cassandra, his head down and hands on the barrel, supporting most of his weight. He would look downright guilty to her.. And his words would absolutely confirm it. But Cassandra never left without hearing the full story. She did not blindly take minute actions as confirmation. Not anymore.

“Yes.. I wanted.. To give you the chance to explain it.”

Joran laughed humorlessly once again and shook his head. He brought up a hand in a half hearted gesture. “What is there to explain.. I assume you have read it?”

“Yes, but..”

Joran sighed. He turned around, leaning heavily on the barrel still, dropping his usually stiff posture. He hoped it would give her another clue. 

Cassandra was smart. It did. He could see it in her expression.

“The circle.. My clan… My clan found a circle under less strict rule. They found a circle who dabbled in different magics- not those of demons, but those of the natural world. Having convinced the Tempalrs they were not warping nature, but simply showing it’s true form.. Its true potential… I have a lot to thank them for.”

“And this is why you decided to ally with the mages.”

Joran nodded. “Indeed, one of the many reasons.”

“Inquisitor..”

For some reason, the mask of inquisitor disappeared the instant she said his title. Perhaps it had built up and Joran was powerless to stop it now that it had come to bite him.

Joran let his face crunch, let his guards drop. Let his feelings show.

“I was born  _ wrong _ , alright?! What more is there to be said? I- my clan- found a way to right that wrong! I’m better for it! I was healed.. What more is there to say?”

Joran lost his muster about halfway through. He wasn’t angry with Cassandra. He wasn’t angry with anyone. He was, in fact, scared. Terrified even. He always had been. He’d been sheltered by his clan, protected. It was not often one such as he was born, and they kept his secret until they found hope for their child. Even then, it never really went away. In some lore, he was an abomination- talking with the humans told him as such easily enough. In others.. He was a commodity- something to be studied or bought and sold or worse… Killed so as he could never contaminate the world further.

“Those records are accurate…” Joran sighed, looking off to the side.

“But.. why did you not tell me?”

“..I had plans to tell you,  _ sooner _ , Cassandra,” he said quietly, “But had not found the right time.”

Joran looked back to Cassandra, an apology in his eyes. “I had… I had left it behind me, so long ago.. It was something I hoped no longer mattered.”

Her expression did not change.

Her expression still unchanged, she moved forward.  Joran for a moment wondered if he was under arrest.

She grabbed his wrist gently, looking at him with her steel gaze.

“I had no intentions of being dishonest with you,” He said softly. “I am sorry if you feel I have been.”

She was always difficult to read, but her following actions put Joran even more off-balance.

She pulled his arm up, and with her free hand she reached to slide her hand under his tunic near his hip.

Startled, Joran protested and moved to grip her wrist with his own free hand.

“What are you-”

Cassandra had always made it a point for others to know she was incredibly strong- mostly just by her actions- and now was no different. She continued to move her arm until a portion of his belly was exposed. Joran squirmed, but was held fast.

“This..”

Her speaking startled him and he stiffened for a moment. Her thumb grazed an exposed portion of his side though and he shuddered, relaxing again.

“This is the mark it left?”

Joran hesitated for a moment before he nodded, letting go of her wrist and turning his face away.

“Magic, even that of healing.. Leaves its scars.”

“Yes,” she said softly, grazing her thumb over it again. Joran could see out of the corner of his eye her head tilt down to examine it.

“I had asked you about it before.. And you said-”

Joran almost smiled, but he wasn’t sure if it was at the fondness of the memory or the bitterness he was tasting because of possibly ruining their trust.

“I said I would tell you the story when I found it was time..”

Joran dared to look back to her. She caught his gaze in her still steely one.

“I have always trusted you, Cassandra,” he said quietly. “It was never that I didn’t… It was that I felt I would not trust myself if I spoke of it when you asked.”

Surprisingly, Cassandra nodded. “I understand… It took me many years to talk about my own past, worried if I did i would no longer be able to continue to be strong… and yet somehow you dragged it out of me so easily after we met and, like the very first time I spoke of it, I am stronger for it.. But it took a long time for me to get there before.”

Her thumb grazed him again and Joran shuddered, the star pattern not like normal scars.

“You are where I once was, and I am glad to be the first you told.”

“What?”

Cassandra leaned forward and kissed him. While surprised and still slightly contorted in her grip, Joran reciprocated.

She was the first to speak when they broke apart.

“You are who you are now, and that is the person I know. The person I fell in love with.”

“You.. you do not think I have lied to you?”

“Not at all. You were born with a disposition, one that was changed, as mine was, with magic and training. You did not choose it, yet grew stronger through it. Besides.. There’s no doubting you are the  _ man _ I fell in love with. It does not matter who you were before, or how you came to be him.”

Joran blushed and laughed quietly. “Yes.. well I do hope the record mentioned the success of-.”

“It didn’t need to. I’ve seen it for myself. But, yes. It did.”

Cassandra smiled and Joran melted seeing her do so.

All of the fear and anxiety he held in knowing he needed to tell her someday melted away. While how she found out was not ideal, he was extremely grateful for her reaction. He was extremely grateful she did not deign to treat him differently for it, as he feared, and only saw him as he was. She had come to him because she merely wished to know for certain, should he want to share, and wanted to tell him she still loved him no matter what. She was a difficult person to read, and had a difficult time discussing emotional matters, but she truly cared.

Shifting, Joran put his hand over hers on his side.

“Thank you, Cassandra.”

“Thank  _ you _ for talking to me.. I know it is.. Difficult sometimes.”

Joran laughed. “Not exactly, I’m just shy. You really are the easiest person to talk to. No nonsense.”

She laughed too, finally letting his wrist go in favor of holding his hand.  Joran held hers back, lowering them to a more comfortable position.

“And you are too.. With a little bit of nonsense.”

“Have to have a little, don’t we? To keep things fair?”

“Yes. A little bit is fair.”

“Though I have to admit.. I believe it might be a bit nonsensical to have your hand up my shirt.. A bit of a twist on our roles here. What do you think?”

Cassandra smiled at him again.

“It is not so nonsensical if it leads to better things, is it?”

Joran laughed and felt himself blush again.

“No, I suppose you’re still the sensible one.”

  
  
  



End file.
